Well, L’s back. Neighbor came by this morning and picked Mist up because apparently L asked for her, then went and picked L up at the airport. They got back right after I returned from errands, and then I went to get the mail, and then I came back here and his car was here but they were nowhere to be seen on the first floor. I thought, hm, maybe they went to the cabin for some reason, and then I went upstairs, and her door was closed.
So that’s that, then. No fucking reason they’d have been behind a closed door if they weren’t in fact together and having a reunion fuck. So now I know.
I have to act like I’m not angry about it and like I don’t hate anyone, and I’m still not sure I hate-hate her, but this is the first time she’s done this since I moved in here, and it’s really fucking weird. Like… what’s up? Claiming territory? Asserting dominance? Nyah nyah nyah, he’s mine, fuck you? What the fuck was that? Because I could see her doing something like that. She has been acting like I am little more than furniture since I fucking moved in here. Maybe I’ve been too friendly to him and she’s noticed.
And honestly, I’m doing the same shit I always do with men and making excuses for him in my own mind but y’all, he’s been treating me like little more than furniture too. I’m an extra pair of hands and a relatively able body to do shit for him that he’s got less ability to do than he used to, and someone to intellectually entertain him when he wants to have conversations, but I’m not ME to him. I do not fucking matter. I lost sight of that, and it was a mistake. Never again.
It just makes me angry at Stuart again, because he could have been an emotional way out — it is so childish of me, but there it is — but he was too chickenshit, I guess. I dunno. I’m done trying to explain him. It probably can’t be done.
So at this point it’ll be responding in kind. I’m fucking furniture? YOU’RE fucking furniture. Thanks for the free housing and sucker pay. I’m going to focus on getting myself back together and then I’m getting the fuck out of here. I’m not in a hurry. It doesn’t have to be right now. But it’s going to happen.
And you never know. I could get the fuck over myself before then. That’d be nice, because I like Neighbor a lot and I wouldn’t mind having him as a friend. If I could get the fuck over him, never mind myself, that would really make things easier.
Okay. I need to make food or I’ll be an ogre, and then I need to plan out my week. Enough of this random mental-wandering shit. It’s just making me sad. WHAT. DO I WANT. TO DO. Let’s do that.