Got the rest of the scutwork done. There is a lot of busy-ness going on right now with the upcoming thing in August and I have a feeling I’m going to have to be like “HELLO ARE YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING” before we get either the dump run OR my pay done. And it’s going to be forty bucks as it is. Better than last week, but not by much and I need to hang on to some of it for my phone bill in case next week is an utter wash.
Neighbor sent over the salmon we talked about with L yesterday. She also came back to the house (this isn’t home) with a big bag of blueberries and I immediately knew what it was. It’s been in Neighbor’s freezer since his mother was alive and she was the one who acquired them and put them there. He told me and Mac (and Mac’s father, I think?) about it Monday night. Anyway, L likes to make berry crumble for him, so that’s what she did and he had a bowl of it before he left. They got in some Sitting Near One Another time on the sofa as well — I want to call it “cuddling,” because it just about was. God, why didn’t I make it stick the first time I dumped Matt? I could have found someone to do that with by now and I wouldn’t be here. Even in my current state of Being An Old Misery, I still find some things to like about here, but it’s fucking lonely and I’m so tired of that.
Finally figured out applying for a job at Walmart. My logic was as follows: At least now I have applied. Even if they say no or I never hear from them, I have applied. If they say yes, not only have I applied, I got a job and I will have regular income. And I can walk to work. That is really important. No worries about missing the bus. No worries about a car breaking down. No having to ask Neighbor if I can use his truck. Just walk and I’m there. Given what the weather supposedly does in wintertime I’ll likely need to do it in rain gear at some point but if I play my cards right, I’ll have a bicycle not very far into this and at least it won’t be as long of a commute in the dreich.
But I refuse to get my hopes up. They probably won’t hire me. It was just putting out feelers, really.
(I had had an application in with Walmart in Louisiana, but couldn’t work out how to get that store info out of my way to apply for a job here. Somehow I managed it this time. Happy accident, I guess.)
Given the way shit usually works out with my life, like as not I’ll get hired and it’ll interfere with going to the August thing I’ve been mentioning but at this point, I only spent $25 to sign up and I could take or leave whether I actually go. It’s been made pretty clear I am just the dogsitter and scutworker and am absolutely nothing else. Fine. Then y’all won’t mind if I go make a living while y’all sit around talking about shit you’re never actually going to do. Yawn.
But anyway.
Ran into someone who’s blocked me on Facebook and I have no fucking idea who they are. Can people just stop doing this shit? If someone has harassed or trolled you, FINE; the block function’s ideal for that. If you’re avoiding a dangerous person, ditto. If someone said something one time that annoyed you? Fuck you. I’m about ready to just shitcan the social media because all people do is use it to be antisocial. Well, most of it anyway. I might figure out a couple things to use or hold onto. I don’t know yet.
“But don’t people annoy you on social media, Dana?”
Yep. And you know what I do? I turn off the post notifications. HOLY SHIT.
Stupid fucking drama whores. “Help! Help! Someone disagreed with me! I’m being oppressed!” Lady, you don’t know shit about me. I don’t know why it makes me so fucking angry when people accuse me of shit I’m not doing, but there it is.
I know what this is. I have absolutely nothing to shore me up against some people’s disapproval. Once in a while someone pipes up and tells me they think highly of me. I always appreciate that — if I feel a bit weird about it — but it’s no substitute for having “your” people who actually like having you around. I have almost forgotten what that’s like. What I remember is that it was mostly facsimile because they only liked me as long as I kissed their asses. I’m not actually sure I’ve ever been genuinely liked. I see men with much worse personality traits than mine manage to rack up all sorts of friends, or at least a supportive social group. I say “fuck” once and everyone’s ready to lynch me.
You can’t be in that sort of situation and then take it in stride when someone rejects you for stupid reasons. Unless you’re a sociopath, maybe. I dunno.
Ugh. Okay. I’m gonna go shower, and then maybe finally eat. I’ve had two slices of cheese today. Trying to make stuff last. Never did hear about the ground beef. When muthafucka won’t even come out and talk to me and has got So Much Going On, I’m afraid to interrupt. UGH I NEED INCOME. Better work on that today too.