Yesterday was meat-sorting day again but there was a disruption in the routine. L and Neighbor went together to Oregon this time and Neighbor meant to do the pickup on the way back. I think they were discussing the local problem of someone wanting to clearcut a bunch of redwoods, etc. down by L’s property for building a subdivision. Neighbor mentioned something about that the day we went to the dump and apparently one of the players is in Oregon. So that was probably it. And they did make the pickup on the way back, though it was a little late. Because it was a little late, the most important break in the routine was I was asked to walk the dogs before we had got done with the sorting. End result was I ended up with one bag of shrimp. Added a couple more things of shrimp after I got done (L walked Hercules but that still left me with three dogs — thanks, L, much “solidarity” there) but no one had thought to set anything aside. Ended up asking Neighbor if I could have some pork chops or something as he was putting away. He seemed surprised but readily agreed. It also turned out there was a fuck of a lot of smoked salmon, which usually we split but hadn’t because I wasn’t standing right the fuck there when they uncovered it in the load. We talked about it some more on the way back to L’s place and he asked if I liked ground beef and mentioned that there was a lot of salmon (I knew; I’d seen it) and that I could pick that stuff up when I came over for the scutwork, but I would have to remind him because he is absent-minded. Well, at least he can admit it. Space case. Like I said. I lived with this for twenty years from Matt so I know what it looks like. Here’s hoping Neighbor does not also have an unhealthy dose of narcissism riding along shotgun. I don’t think so, but it’s early days. Often they hide it.
It was an awful feeling, though, knowing that this is my primary source of food every week and that he knows this is my primary source of food every week and yet he acted like it wasn’t even worth consideration or anything. Which is the absent-mindedness again. But still. If I wondered if there was any interest there, I no longer think so. Even absent-minded men sharpen up a fuck of a lot when it’s about a woman they like.
I don’t think that it is a bad thing to ask for what you need, but I always feel like I have to ask because people don’t give a shit. That’s the bit that hurts. It feels much less bad asking for things from total strangers I’ve just met if the asking is situationally appropriate because I don’t have history with them and don’t expect them to feel any kind of way toward me. People I have any history with? Then it gets thorny. Like, why am I even here when I’m nothing but scenery. The catch-22 is I keep winding up around people for whom I am nothing but scenery, and eventually I get sick of it and move on, so that I never get well-established with any social group and thus am perceived to be worth even less. I don’t know how I get off this fail carousel, but I really really hate it.
Thea went to the Grand Canyon this month and posted about it on Instagram. Dawn, of course, passed it on. Interestingly, I’ve been getting no hits from Colorado the past several days, but did seem to be getting additional Arizona hits. Yeah. They know this site is here. One or both of them looks at it. Speaking of scenery. Just more of the looking for reasons to hate me and absolutely no desire to engage with me as a human being. So, status quo then. But hey, you know what? I have also been to the Grand Canyon. I’ve been lots of places. I had a whole life before I met that asshole that my own daughter does not know about because it never occurred to me to talk about it and she wasn’t even a little curious. I should have seen this turn of events coming years ago. She’s just like him, no conscience at all. She wants to follow rules because it smooths things over for her, that’s it. Same as him. I love her anyway, flippant as that sounds. It’s not something you can just turn off like a switch. I wanted both her and her brother. I love them both. It’s really hard feeling that when you’ve been relegated to Baby-Making Thing and thrown aside when no one needs you anymore.
I could see if I’d been a child-beating alcoholic who constantly verbally berated both of them. That didn’t happen. I am not my parents. Not even the stepparent. I wasn’t a great mother either, but I wasn’t awful, you know? I’ve seen moderately awful. (Neighbor’s seen REALLY awful.) I’ve never even been that. Just mildly fucked up. Survivable. Even thrive-able. My kids and I should still have a relationship now. Should. Hell, I’m still speaking to the woman who once called me a bitch AS A CHILD and made a regular habit of slapping my face. And those are just examples. I should have completely cut her off from July 1992 onward. I didn’t. I’m a masochist or my kids are assholes. Pick one.
There are people coming for the August thing and L thought S would be arriving too. That didn’t sound right to me; S has stated several times he’s got a couple stops to make before he comes down to Crescent City. And last I knew, he’s still in Tanzania. So I DMed him and asked. Sure enough, he is. London, UK from the 14th to the 19th, I think? Then Portland, OR from the 20th to the 22nd. Then he comes down. He’ll be here a day early, not a month early. I’m both disappointed and relieved, haha. I wasn’t quite ready for that introduction yet.
Anyway he and Neighbor are probably both annoyed at me right now for not giving a shit about the Olympics opening ceremony being iNsULtiNg To ChRiStiAnS. It’ll probably be a passing irritation, but it’s not a good time to get social. Let’s let that blow over first. Though S might bring it back up again later. I doubt it. More likely he’ll be busy yammering about politics to anyone who’ll listen. I can get “busy” doing other things and just avoid that whole argument.
Okay. I’ve got to get this salmon et (already had it before yesterday) and then get over to Neighbor’s. Woo. But hey, need the money. May edit this and add more later. No idea.
[edit] Never mind the salmon. The first piece was okay, the second tastes a little weird. Well, we’ve got that “compost pile.” Someone will eat it…
[editedit] Oho, I was mistaken. Colorado has re-entered the chat. Well, it’s probably not like Thea and Matt (and fucking Crys) have moved to Arizona suddenly; why on earth would they have done that? So you have to figure they went home sooner or later. I spied a ding here from Denver from yesterday when I went back and looked.
Can’t stop them, of course. Not really even sure I want to; on the off-chance it’s her and not her fucking father, I don’t mind her keeping up, long as she’s not hate-reading. If she IS hate-reading, there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. I could say some really nasty shit to scare her off, but our relationship is damaged enough, thanks.
Neighbor is over right now because along with cooking him fucking pork chops (and lamb chops, I think? They’re supposed to be for her, but I think they share them), L also bakes him things, particularly berry crumble. This one’s special, I admit; his late mother had put this batch of berries in his freezer. He was telling Mac about them last night. I knew exactly what they were when L pulled them out of her bag when she came back from his place today. That’s great. Just super. Enjoy.
L also brought back the smoked salmon he and I discussed. No ground beef. He may have forgotten. I’ll go over to finish the scutwork tomorrow (got it half done today, and then all that will be left is the trash… he’ll let me know on that one, I think) and ask about the ground beef then. I heard them say they have shit going on, but if I go early enough, that shouldn’t be a problem. Unless it is a problem. I can’t predict anything anymore, really. I can probably stretch my existing food supplies until next Monday, but I sort of doubt it. Yes he’ll pay me, but I have to put some of that aside for the phone bill. I don’t know what next week’s scutwork haul will look like and it could just be one item. No bueno.
I hate to say it but it’s time to get off the caffeine. That shit is four-something a bag store brand and then paying for the half-and-half and sweetener besides. I could be buying something like cream cheese instead. I’ve already worked out a way to do the caffeine wean-off that won’t require me buying two whole-ass jars of instant coffee. Now I just need to make it happen. We’ll see if I get off the drink mix. Probably not, but it’s worth considering. It will make me sad, but spending my money so fast is making me sadder.
I still need more income, and maybe I need to be getting it where I’m not pissing people off. I dunno.