Had the run to the dump (it’s actually a refuse-sorting station) yesterday. Had been told the first time we did this that the second time, I’d be driving. Neighbor seemed to want to drive, though, and I didn’t question it. I am not sure if he forgot or if he just wants to be around my silly self one extra time. Pretty sure he forgot, because on the way back he said we’d go together again one more time and I’d drive. Well, we’ll see. If he seems to forget again, I’ll mention it.
He said that it’d be $25, not $20, for the scutwork. I’d pointed out that it’d looked like three items I’d done when the total workload was more akin to two items so he split the baby and said two and a half. I haven’t gotten it, though. He had a lot going on yesterday and then was going to visit his sister, and still nothing now, so who knows. I’m getting warning signs that Aunt Flo may visit again and I’d like to make sure I am fully supplied (I am okay for a few days if need be), so if I hear nothing by say 9pm or so, I’ll drop him a line. I don’t want to do that, but if he simply forgot, maybe he’ll be OK with being reminded. We’ll see. It’s not $100. He already said he’d do it yesterday. Not my fault even one little bit that he didn’t.
I’m hoping this stupid crush wears off soon. I am feeling a lot more patient with him than I did with Matt when Matt flaked like this, but I have to think a lot of it is just wanting to keep calm waters so I don’t lose my housing. Doesn’t mean I want to be dealing with an absent-minded man on more than a casual basis. It has occurred to me that some of the stupid shit that’s been happening is a way to test to see if I’m a decent person or a psycho. Either way, no bueno. I get that we’re all tired of being treated like shit for bullshit reasons and that it’s fucked our ability to trust but that doesn’t mean I want that shit in my personal life. If I’m ever going to have a man again, I want one with a lot less baggage.
I’ve kind of thought in that direction with S too. He strikes me as a traumatized nervous alcoholic unsure of his own sexuality. WOW, WHAT AWESOME BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. I’d just as soon pet a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. What’s the point? But I also have an idea that when we all get together next month he’s going to be too busy sitting around pontificating about politics to an admiring audience to have much time for me. That’d be cool. It would make things easier.
Hope I remember that when the time comes. My feelings get hurt waaayyyyy too easily.
Oh, related note to the “testing Dana for psycho.” One thing that happened yesterday was that on the way to the dump, Neighbor asked me how my day had gone. I hesitated, trying to think how to describe it, and must have made some sound because he immediately said, “What’s wrong?” like he was dreading the answer. I don’t know what that was about, but I didn’t rise to it. Just sort of smoothed things over and we went on with the conversation. That could have been fucking anything. He’s a survivor of extreme abuse, and that tends to make people hypervigilant, but he’s also done a lot of work on himself in therapy (he says), so it could have been any number of other motivations. It could be the “oh no, we pulled another psycho after all” thing bubbling up. It could be something else entirely. And this is one more reason I wish my crush would wear off. If I have to spend all my time wondering where the hell someone’s coming from and what’s going to happen next, that’s not exactly a recipe for long-term relationship stability. I’m not sure it’s even very helpful in a friendship.
People wonder why I keep to myself so much. It’s really not fucking complicated…
[edit] Oh, okay. He’s paid up now. Whew.