Month: August 2024

I’m actually writing this like three days later but wanted to put days on their days. So I’m going to be vague in places, but this is the best I can do.

So. (Going back into Sunday Voice.) People played silly fucking buggers today and so I was very late getting to the conference site, and so I missed all of S’s presentation. I am not sure how much I would have gotten out of it, but it would have been more time around him, so I was a bit grumbly about missing it.

Anyway. At this lake house where we held the conference, there are two bathrooms. One’s in the master bedroom, one’s just off the kitchen between it and the mud/laundry room, and both were open to attendees (the bedroom one before 9pm and after 9am, due to that being the women’s room — and yes, we would have enforced that shit, had we needed to). I ran into a lot of situations where I needed to go but they were both occupied so I’d have to flit back and forth ’til one was clear. Yesterday, while I was passing through the kitchen in the midst of this, I noticed the volunteer sign-up roster on the side of the fridge and that meal prep and cleanup for lunch for today were blank. Two slots each, no one had taken any of the four. Ah ha, I thought. Here’s how I get to talk more with S. So I signed up for both before and after for lunch for today.

This was where I did the Facebook flirt I mentioned yesterday. “Not me signing up for kitchen duty again. Probably helps the chef’s cute.” Something like that. And by the way, he never noticed it. Or he did, but ignored it. Or avoided it. I really don’t know.

ANYWAY. So today that was a thing. There was some talking. Not as much as I’d heard him doing with M. I wasn’t too surprised. There wasn’t as much prep to do, either, which didn’t help. I wound up washing a fuckton of dishes afterwards because the dishwasher was already full and running. Other than that it was kind of a dud. I suppose at least I helped people out, so it wasn’t all for nothing. The conference is not for me to be chasing men, DANA.

But at some point I asked him where he was going to end up because I knew he couldn’t go back to Tanzania on account of his visa troubles (they changed the rules while he was there, which fucked his ability to stay). He said he’s in Canada for now, in British Columbia, until the election. Then, depending on how it goes, he might have a job and he might not. He didn’t spell this out, but presumably that amount of time gives him space to sort out his visa situation, so he could very well go back to Africa if the election goes wrong. He asked me where I thought I was going to end up, and I said I had no idea. I mean, I don’t. This can’t be permanent, and I have no followup plan for when I leave. I think that I might like to go back to Ohio, but I don’t know if I can actually accomplish it and not end up homeless again. I didn’t say all that to him, of course. He didn’t seem like he wanted to get excessively chatty.

Later we were talking in the living room, and I said he looked like he could use a hug, so I finally got one from him. (Hugs are great. You get to give and get at the same time.) He seemed quite pleased about that. We chatted a bit about this and that (he has a tendency to pontificate about political stuff, and he talks about himself a lot too), and then he said the most amazing thing. Suggested that I might like to move to British Columbia myself to help with the campaign. I was flabbergasted. Where was I supposed to live? He apparently knows someone I could crash with. I pointed out that I have no passport and no Real ID driver’s license either, just the plain ordinary one. But could I take a rain check on discussing it further? Because maybe I could sort that out. So we kind of left it open-ended, but he seemed pretty sincere about it. I have NO idea where that came from.

It being a conference for Deep Green Resistance, there was much talk about DGR’s mission and about its future direction. I’ve known about them pretty much since they started, but this is the first I’ve actually come close to joining. Figures that right now they don’t have a good process for that because they don’t want to do what they had been doing to bring in new members anymore. But there’s new leadership (well… some of it), and they’re trying to revamp a lot of stuff. Why do I want in? It’s not just the trans thing. It’s not even mostly. I’ve been closer to nature since I got here, and for years I’ve been trying to ignore the worst of what’s going on, and I can’t ignore it anymore. And all I see is a small ragtag group of rebels against the system trying to bring it down by speaking a language almost no one understands. Bloody academics. I have this knack for translating Academic into Plain English, and I wonder if I might not be able to put that to good use. They need a proper propaganda arm, in the old sense of the word. Lacking the arm, I’ll be one fingernail, at least. Whether I actually join DGR or not. I can read the book it’s based on at their website. I can get the general idea.

But! At least for now, it looks like I will be helping them with fundraising. No one else was raising their hand when that call went out and it mostly involves tech stuff. Neighbor is not fond of tech, L pretty much despises it, and I’m comfortable with it. It is a no-brainer. So B, who basically heads DGR now, and I will be discussing this in upcoming weeks and we’ll see what we can cobble together. And then, if we get that going smoothly and someone still hasn’t jumped on the merch, I’m gonna dig into that too. Long past time.

Some of it’s to do with Neighbor. I’m 99% sure he’s L’s, but I’m gonna feel what I feel there for a while yet. I don’t know what it’s going to turn into, but he matters to me in some way, and he’s getting discouraged that nothing he set in motion is really getting anywhere. I probably can’t fix it, but if I can kick things up the arse and get them moving in some small important way, and if that makes him happy, I’ll be happy. Sounds shallow, but if love doesn’t get us through this, nothing will.

“So why are you so ate up about S?” Because I’m 99% sure Neighbor is L’s. Because there’s no hope there. If he had a shred of interest in me beyond just being interested in human beings as he is, he’d have said so by now. And because S seemed like he might be interested in me, and that’d be a fucking first in years, and I already thought he was an interesting person. He ain’t pretty but, as a friend of mine pointed out, he has kind eyes. He’s another nerdboy, and you know I like nerdboys. He’s smart, he’s tall (omg), he’s funny (he’s one of the chief reasons I laughed so much this weekend — only Neighbor made me laugh more), and he’s a nervous wreck from everything he’s been through — and may have been a nervous person anyway — and God, that’s bringing out the caretaker in me. His big flaw other than the talking about himself all the time is that he drinks. That may yet be a dealbreaker. I haven’t decided yet and it’s not like he’s trying to climb down my pants, so I figure I have time to figure that out. Probably the rest of forever, actually, the way my luck’s been going.

Left him a Facebook message telling him goodbye and sending a virtual hug in case I couldn’t do any of that in person — he has tended to duck into his quarters early in the evening through this whole thing without saying goodnight to anyone. But I lucked out and saw him again before we left so I got to hug him again in person. HA.

Neighbor’s house for bears and dog walks again. This time M and I got a ride back to L’s, so no more having to play woods guide. Yay.

Pardon my rantfest earlier. I addressed my frustration by simultaneously passive-aggressively, indirectly flirting with S on my own Facebook feed and also therefore throwing down the gauntlet in case M thinks she’s the only person who could possibly ever be interested in him. Also I have put my name down for two kitchen shifts tomorrow because there was just no one on those shifts. Joke will be on me if they decide not to have lunch tomorrow on account of it being Sunday, but I doubt that’s going to happen. Which means he’s mine for lunch. Muahahahaha.

But I don’t like my chances overall. He’s still being really distant, but he’ll talk with M in greater detail. That’s a really bad sign. I’m tempted to beat myself up because every time I even think a guy’s interested who I also find interesting, I have to go after that — but I’m trying to go easy on myself anyway because who the fuck else should I go after, guys who show no interest in me at all? But then I run into this hot-and-cold shit. And he didn’t explicitly say he’s interested in me. There have just been little events that could be interpreted that way. But if that’s not what it is then I don’t know what he’s doing. I am so tired of that happening. If you’re gonna ignore me, ignore me all the fucking time. Quit with this on-and-off shit.

I can’t say things are better, but after being disappointed over S like that, I got to sit through a Q&A with Neighbor, and that was fun. He has this dry, sudden sense of humor where he will just say something mildly silly out of nowhere, and then several minutes later he will refer back to the earlier joke, and then a few hours later for a completely different thing he will call back to that original joke and it’s always good for a laugh. I still can’t quite get over that I liked this guy’s writing back in 2010 or earlier and here the fuck I am, sitting in on his Q&As and getting to see him every week and talk about whatever. And yet, my fondness for him is not all fangirling. I have too much of a thing for nerdboys and he is a big ol’ one. Except most nerdboys are sellouts to industrial civilization and he… went completely the other way. I wish I’d met him before I met all the CAW idiots. I’d have likely been a lot happier. Well… maybe. He has said he’s done a lot of work on himself in therapy. Maybe he was more of an asshole years ago. Well, he’s therefore less of one now. And we’re here now. And he’s one of the highlights of my week.

This time a bunch of people went to his house to see the bears, and I got to go along. He wanted me to walk his dogs. [smack] (not really) I am not going to pretend it wasn’t a bit of salve to the ego to be able to think, “Yeah, I get to see this all the time,” meaning hanging out with him, being at his house, seeing the bears, and all of it. Then there was this little moment where I remarked to him that he looked exhausted and he said no, he was only a little tired, and then something I didn’t catch in all the people noise but he looked a bit rueful, and I said in haste, “I know that sounded bad,” and he said “no,” and I said, “what did you say?” and he said, “Thank you for noticing.” It’s like we have hit this milestone where there’s actually been a little bit of energy exchange now, not just us off by our isolated little selves throwing words at one another from across a gulf.

Or this is just him thinking he’s supposed to respond that way and it’ll go back to the mutual isolation. Guess we’ll have to see.

And there’s still the huge Damocles question hanging over everything: are he and L a thing?

I ended up seeing the inside of his little cabin tonight. So, when his mother bought the land he now lives on, there was this little cabin which he lived in back then, and then there was her house which is the house he now lives in. When I first got here the cabin was being leased to some friends of his. Acquaintances? Something? I’d never seen the inside of it. It gets used to house guests now, either for L or for Neighbor, and — of all people — I walked M back from Neighbor’s meet-the-bears thing because she was staying in the cabin. Should have gotten her ass lost in the woods, but I’m being nice. More asshole me. Anyway, so I get in there and I look around and I see Neighbor’s work area from when he wrote most of his books, and… I saw three framed photos on the wall and realized they were from his high-jump days. Wow. All along that wall in his office nook are manuscripts and reference books and all sorts of stuff — it’s amazing. And, of course, L’s book that she got famous for. On his desk. Because of course.

M and another conference person walked me back to L’s land from the cabin. Now I fall down go boom. Zzzzz.

I need someplace to vent. Pardon me, because this gets childish.

First off, I probably way misread S. There’s a small possibility I did not misread him, but I very much doubt it. He’s been very… polite and yes, HE IS CANADIAN and apparently they do that, but.

Secondly, one of my other Facebook friends is here, and I’ll call her M, a woman with a long-distance boyfriend she’s basically freely admitted to using for his money. And. She has been ALL THE FUCK OVER S since the morning after he got here. I can see what she’s doing from ten fucking miles away. And… He’s actually chatting with her.

So that was fucking pointless.

She’s not even a good person, and I can tell. I just can. It’s not even jealousy. Maybe I should say not a healthy person. First day I chatted with her she offered to lend me money to buy a bicycle. Are you fucking kidding me. And generally she seems more interested in charming people than in actually connecting. The macking on S when SHE ALREADY HAS A MAN makes her already apparent Issues fucking galling.

And if she thinks S is loaded she is in for a rude fucking awakening. He has some income, but all this gender shit has absolutely destroyed his academic career.

There are more important things in the world than Having A Man. I know. I’m shit at Having A Man even when I do have one. I’m just so fucking tired of people taking things away from me when I already don’t have squat.

Okay. Fucking wah. I vented. Let me get my nose out of my phone and stop being rude.

Holy fucking Christ, this week.

Okay. So. Uh. Today’s Thursday. We did the meat haul on Tuesday, one day late. Right. So. Yesterday I had four items’ worth of scutwork and in a normal week, I’d have done two yesterday and two today. Because people were supposed to be arriving today by 3pm, I went ahead and did all four items. So that’s all done for the week. Bonus: Neighbor paid me on time! I hardly know what to do with myself. Wow.

Sorry, that was bitchy. I honestly believe that at least on that count, he means well. I don’t know anything about anything else to do with him. I am agnostic in that department.

But! People did not arrive at 3pm. They arrived well late, actually. I want to say about 8-ish? I was a bit of a wreck. Was quite excited about meeting S finally. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad had they not taken FOREVER to get down the driveway when they finally arrived. I know they were putting things in the barn (I don’t know why L calls it a barn; it looks like a fucking house), and possibly they had put up S’s tent (why on earth are we making him sleep in the rain, tent or not? I suppose at least that might not be the case for the rest of the weekend?), but I also had to listen to Parker barking the whole time. And I mean PROPER barking. She made the stovepipe for the wood stove RATTLE all the way across the ROOM from where she was barking — okay, not a large room, but that just made it WORSE. Because I was in the line of fire too. I had to go upstairs until the guests got to the house because it was bothering my ear so much.

S was first to make the porch and to come indoors after we had had a proper dog exchange to minimize complications (Duke is extra-barky with new people normally — I stood out when I first got here because he barked maybe once and then took right to me). It almost looked like S was really looking forward to meeting me. He even offered a handshake, which I accepted (this man has wonderfully large hands; I’d have been disappointed had he not offered), and which (here I am being bitchy again) was more than Neighbor offered when he and I first met.

Had a moment when we were settling into the living room that I caught him looking at me, and then when L led the women who came with him out to Neighbor’s old house (the house Neighbor currently lives in was his mother’s — they shared a property), S and I had a proper conversation. Wandered a bit from topic to topic, realized he may actually be scared of dogs (he held it together rather well, poor guy), learned more about his family, told him a bit about mine, and hither and yon and blah blah blah. It was great.

We’re not jumping right into Event Things tomorrow until mid-afternoon, so hopefully I get more talk time.

Yep. So far, I really like S. Hope I was right and Neighbor’s with L and not at all interested or Neighbor’s gonna run out of time. Pass the popcorn.

(No, I’m not after making Neighbor jealous. Just, if that’s what ends up happening, he’s got no one to blame but himself for it. No, I’d be quite pleased if it turns out I’m not wrong about S and he really is a decent guy. I have done much, much worse, y’know?)

I’m a little vague on when things have happened but… I think yesterday was when I had my busy day. Went to Walmart, came back, was settling in and had just spilled my Sprite Zero because I forgot how volatile Coca-Cola Company drinks are and I’d thought since I’d already opened it that I was safe… nah. When suddenly I get a message from Neighbor that he wants to go to the dump after all. Well, okay. So between the Walmart trip and the walking to his place I ended up putting in more than six miles’ worth of walking. Then was helping him lug shit around and throw shit around (not literal shit)… and while he did drive me back to L’s place, I still wasn’t done. Cleaned the bathroom and did the daily sweeping. I was tired. Earned it though.

(He drove to the dump again. I’ve given up trying to figure out what that’s about.)

Gut pain still coming and going and my dumb ass forgot the yogurt. Sigh. The pain’s gone right now but I had it this morning, along with an attempted migraine. Am now working on caffeine withdrawal, so I’m expecting a few more of those before it’s all said and done.

Anyway. Yesterday. So he drove me back here and then he stayed around a while. He and L have educated me on Kiwi Farms and that while yeah it’s a cesspool of Aspies (they call themselves “spergs” now, apparently), they learn more about news events having access to it than they would otherwise, so I might start an account there at some point. We’ll see. But while Neighbor was here, he ran across a photo of some stupid troon looking stupid in stereotypical porny shit and he turned his laptop to show her and goes, “Would you still love me if I dressed like this?”

So now I’m wondering what he meant by that. Are they actually a couple (they are SO a couple) or is he joking about the love thing too or does he mean “as a bestest friend” when he says “love”? AAAAARGH

I didn’t say anything. He showed me the pic and I made the appropriate faces. Probably should have joked, “Nah, I think my love switch would shut right off,” just to see their reaction. Am very glad I didn’t think of it ’til just now.

Oh yeah, and I did two loads of laundry. My own — L will probably never ask me to do hers AND IT IS JUST AS WELL. I do hit some household linens when I need to, but not a big deal.

Like I said. Busy day. And yeah, that was yesterday, now I think about it. How sad is that. It’s all a blur, man.

Today’s been boring. Scuttlebutt is that we may not be seeing a meat run until Wednesday night. Since I haven’t heard from Neighbor all day (he liked a couple things I posted to the funny group on Facebook, but that’s been it), I’m guessing that’s very likely. It is possible he’d let me know if it happens tomorrow. I won’t know ’til we get there. I have a decentish amount of food in the meantime. Not really worried.

I did ask him yesterday about the whole situation we have and how it’ll change over winter, because reasons, but it’s going to go on as usual, and we’ll just deal with the haul differently than we do now. That was a relief.

I need to get myself under me to make more of my own money. Will I? I don’t know. But I need to.

I can’t say I’ve settled on any definite conclusion about my current situation; we’ve all seen I flit the fuck back and forth between one mindset and another and yes, I annoy myself with this shit, too. But I may be closer to, specifically, figuring out the Neighbor situation. I don’t KNOW for sure, but it feels like it.

So, I still don’t know what’s up with him and L. I’m not going to ask, and I’ve been here since late May and he hasn’t even hinted, and I’m certainly not going to ask her because if they are together and she even gets a whiff that I’m interested, I could be homeless in less than a week. So we are not going there. So it’s an impasse.

But I’m seeing behavior that, I’m sorry to say, reminds me too much of Matt and I got tired of that shit when he was doing it.

Specifically, the absent-mindedness thing.

I still think Neighbor is more kind a person than Matt ever was. When Matt decided to Do Nice Things, he was always after something. It rather seems to be more built into who Neighbor is as a person. But he’s also pretty severely absent-minded. I know he has a lot of stuff going on, but let’s say best-case scenario that he and L aren’t together and she’d be fine seeing him with someone. (Tall order. Highly unlikely. If you could see them together, you’d see what I mean, even without the PDA except for occasional hugs. And I’ve seen two of those since late May.) Even then, there needs to be a certain amount of focused attention to build a relationship. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it does have to be there.

Y’all, I can’t even get him to pay for the scutwork timely. And he did ask me to remind him. And I do remind him. And I’m lucky if he sees it within 24 hours. Or he’ll see me in person and go “I’ll send it when I get home” and then… crickets.

Okay?

It honestly doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want to pay. And he even came out and said that that was not the issue. It is just being absent-minded, he said. Okay, fine. But some part of me, the part that still isn’t okay after all the shit Matt and other people pulled, feels like I’m basically worthless if we can’t even get this done timely. It’s not a lot. For instance, I earned $60 from this most recent week. So I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around him “just” forgetting. And I also hate reminding people that they owe me money. I wouldn’t say it’s quite to the level of pet peeve but it does bother me a lot. Helluva spot to put me in. Thanks.

I could probably sort of live with it if one, I weren’t getting flashbacks to Matt’s bullshit and two, Neighbor ever consistently acted like he was interested in me as a person… okay, if L isn’t there distracting him, sure, he’ll start in with the questions and conversations. Sure. But if she’s there, forget it. Oh, if I initiate a conversation, he’s happy enough to chat… until his attention wanders. So. I don’t need to be the center of the universe. Never did. But goddamn it — and I’m always initiating this shit, too.

So where I’m going with this is probably just considering it a wash, continuing to be friendly with him but not hoping for anything else because it’s not happening. Ever. Literally, he could have a crush on me or something (I sound so fucking junior-high) and just be wired differently and not be the type to be demonstrative about it, maybe even hoping I make the first move. That’s great, but it’s not what I need right now. I’m tired of feeling like I have to beg for crumbs. My self-esteem has been trashed for literal decades. For fuck’s fucking sake already.

But there are still things I really like about him and I suppose I’ll look for those in another guy.

Not sure it’ll be S, but I suppose I’ll find out soon; it’s less than a week til he arrives. I expect he’ll be here this coming Thursday, since he told me he’d be here a day early. He’s been odd and distant, not that he was ever touchy-feely on Facebook but he’s gone extra-weird the past several weeks. Some of it’s no doubt getting ready to move back to the Western Hemisphere for however long he decides to stay this time. I also suspect people have been canceling him again. I’ll spare you the rant on that one. There have been a few hints here and there of Interest from him, but I’m not sure I can trust them, and very likely he’s still hung up on his ex too. That’s likely going to be a dead end.

You know what, though? It doesn’t have to be either of them. It shouldn’t be anyone, honestly. I’m too poor. It’s too much of a risk. Besides. We all know who I’d rather jump if I ever got a chance to do it. Sure, he’s occupied now. Situations change. Maybe I should be taking all this free time that my poverty and his “situation” are giving me and actually position myself to have half a shot at him later. Luck tends to be more favorable when you’re ready for it.

—

Got the package from Carrie the other day. Wasn’t weird like I’d been afraid it would be. Honestly not sure why she sent any of it, but did get my raincoat back and its liner, so I’m basically ready for fall, anyway. Got a test run with experiencing that weather, if from indoors, today because it rained all fucking day. I am going to need to figure out water-resistant shoes. My current ones certainly fucking are not. Sigh.

—

Gut pain for the first time in quite a while. Had a sudden turn for the better today and I think maybe tomorrow I’ll be fully on the other side of it. Whew.

—

Stupid fucking period. I had to delay the scutwork this past week by a day because no way could I deal with an accident if it came down to that. As it is, rain or no, I have to go to Walmart tomorrow to restock supplies. Nothing for it. (Another reason I was somewhat miffed at Neighbor today.) I’m so irritated. Can’t this just END already? I’m fucking old enough.

Oh well. I see we’re forcing myself to write anything at all at this point… again. I need to sleep. ‘Later.

Did not do meat-sorting tonight. It got delayed a day. But at some point, L was over at Neighbor’s, and she came back with some salmon he’d found in his freezer. Sent specifically for me.

It’s a thing with us, for some reason. One of the castoffs that is frequently in the meat hauls is a bunch of packets of smoked salmon — you know, the thin sheets? Also some of a slightly different cut. He and I both like salmon, and pretty early on we sort of mutually agreed to divide them between us. One time he even took it upon himself to add one of the alternative cut to my carry-home bag when my back was turned.

Well, this past week there was no salmon. I still have some steelhead and I figured out a second way to eat it, so I was getting by insofar as seafood is concerned. But apparently this turned up in his freezer so he decided to send it over. Or half of it. Whichever. He knows I had a good haul last week, and he thought of me anyway.

He is making it very difficult to not like him.

Not that I’m exactly making much of an effort.

I want to do something nice for him. I don’t know yet what that will be. I mean, yes, the scutwork, but he’s paying me for that. (Still rueful about losing the $100 a week but honestly, I felt like I was fleecing him.) Something will hopefully occur to me.

Carrie messaged me Friday to tell me she’d shipped my package. This morning I woke with a jolt wondering whether I had mailed myself what was in the large flat purple boxes. I can’t remember if I did. I will have to dig through my stuff to find out because a specific thing will be in there if I did. Just looked at the tracking and the package is in Texas. Allegedly it is supposed to get here Thursday. Carrie had said she’d send the few things I left at her house, but apparently Dad also wanted to send some stuff, and I have no idea what that means. This could end up being a big box. Good thing L just got a new vehicle. And Neighbor has his truck, if it comes down to that. I could have asked. I’d rather leave it a surprise. I’ll likely be disappointed in whatever he sends, anyway. Or it’ll be some kind of a mindfuck. Oh well. I was enjoying becoming sane. Count on Dad, I guess.

I managed to spend my entire $45 ($5 sent to Chime to square my Being In The Hole) at Walmart today. Bit embarrassing, but I wanted to make sure I’d be okay for a bit.

Shark week is ongoing, started a few days ago. Had an unpleasant moment yesterday on my first attempt to go to Wally World where I was sure I was going to have an accident if I kept going, so I came back here. Thankfully the gush happened maybe halfway to the mailbox intersection, if that far. Could have been worse. But it’s been a lot more peaceful today, including when I made the two-point-something-mile trek there. Whew. I don’t know if it’s the dietary change. I just hope it’s over by the time the weekend thing happens in two more weekends. There will be a hot tub. If I can even get a swimsuit together before then. I will at least attempt the shorts and throw a tshirt on. I can do that.

Okay. I need a drink, I need to wash a few dishes, and I need to think about bed. And I probably should write tomorrow. This is getting silly.

I’m writing this after 1am on the 9th but unless you want to hear about me going pee and washing some dishes, let’s pretend I wrote this on the 8th. Sound good? I think so too.

Okay. Meat Night #1 went well; Meat Night #2 went well. Five items for scutwork, so $50 this week. Phone’s paid for the month so I won’t go so far as to say what I’ve got’s all gravy, but I’m a little better off than I was. Food supply solid for now. I even got maple-flavored breakfast sausage. It is quite tasty.

Lots more bear activity. So far, they’re just scared of me. So far, I handle the dogs okay if bears are out when I walk them, which normally I do after the meat-sorting, except last week when everything started late. I must admit I really enjoy seeing the gigantic forest floof doggos. I get why they’re classified as caniform.

(Black bears, not grizzly. I’d be more afraid if we were dealing with grizzlies.)

(And black bears are not THAT gigantic, except the older males.)

Weekly scutwork finished today. Neighbor and I went to the dump for the weekly trash run. I actually asked him this time, as he was about to get in the truck on the driver’s side, whether he wanted me to drive this time and he said, “nah…” I’m a little confused about that. I will not at all complain if he decides we’ll keep doing this together so as to have a bit of social hour; today he regaled me with questions about my time in the Army. He’s like that. Honestly I’ve never known a dude that curious about me, and it isn’t just “tell me about yourself,” which always was a lazy cop-out. It’s specific questions. A gal could let it go to her head, if I didn’t already know this is a thing with him. But… I feel like, if you pay attention to the questions someone asks you about yourself, sometimes you learn something new about them. Or they’ll just volunteer the information. Turns out he considered joining the Navy for their nuclear officer program (submarines, from what he said), but in the end he didn’t think he’d be able to adjust to the lifestyle, and then he ended up with Crohn’s in his late twenties anyway.

(He asked me whether he’d have had a shot at decent care had he been in the Navy when it happened. I explained about VA care versus military care and pointed out that as in the civilian world, quality of care varies widely depending on where you are. Plus, when he was twenty-seven, most people had never heard of Crohn’s. As it was, the first civilian facility he went to was not doing right by him, and his mother yanked him out and took him to a university hospital which was much better. And so he is here with us today, and we all say thankya.)

He probably better watch it though because if I get much braver, I may start asking him questions.

Don’t worry. I won’t be creepy about it.

I still feel suspicious something is developing there. I probably shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t think “shoulds” really enter into it. I’m not going to push or even ask. I’m just going to experience and observe. If this is just him being kinder and more curious than the average bear and he’s like that with everyone, great. If this is just him seeing if he can make a new friend, fabulous. If it’s something more than that, then he’s going to have to say so; that will be one question I don’t ask. Everyone who ever told me I moved too fast into relationships can kiss my ass. We’ll ignore the fact I probably don’t have another thirty years on this earth and have wasted too much time already. I don’t feel like rushing it this time. Because I always get it wrong. At least if I somehow still get it wrong this time, it won’t be my fault. Or at least not for that specific reason.

That assumes, of course, that something doesn’t kick over with S. I don’t want to be like that but goddamn it, it’s like I said before: it may come down to who’s braver. Or who actually feels some particular way, which Neighbor very likely doesn’t. Well, I’ve got less than three weeks ’til we start maybe seeing answers to that question. I am not even going to try to predict the outcome.

S did tell me I was lovely (or, rather, an old pic of me was lovely), though, by liking the comment where someone else said it. I wonder if he knows I noticed…

So, got paid for the scutwork last week. I forget which day but basically I messaged Neighbor to ask about going to the dump because he hadn’t said anything about the weekly trash haul but I thought there probably wasn’t enough for him to want to bother with. I was right, but me asking jogged his memory and he sent the $40. So I got my phone bill paid and also laid in some supplies and got a tub of spreadable cream cheese. Nice to have something a little bit different.

Neighbor only got part of the meat haul last night. He’s going back to Oregon tonight to snag the rest of it. I got lucky, though. If I don’t get any more food tonight, I got enough last night that I’ll be okay for the week. And we already got two scutwork items, so that’s $20 I know I’m getting, and that’ll see me through to next week. At this point I’m hoping for more frozen items. I was really running on fumes with the food supply but then realized I’d forgotten about a couple packs of boneless pork chops in the freezer, which for a while I had thought were L’s. But I get a sense she’s not that crazy about pork if it’s not bacon. Seems to prefer lamb. I also like lamb, but I can take it or leave it. So she gets hers and I get mine. It’s cool. I want to branch out a bit with seasoning — I’m thinking that if I can get about $20 ahead some week soon, I may order Roastmary for the first time in thirty fucking years (just about). Because it’s still available! This stuff is incredible. I’ve done up pork chops with it before and they were just [chef’s kiss]. Sooooo we’ll see.

I am thinking I’m going to wean off caffeine. L told me weeks ago that she generally avoids it because something had dried up for her — saliva? tear production? both? — and her doctor told her that can happen in menopausal women on caffeine. Apparently in her case, quitting it helped. I know I can still produce tears because my eyes are not constantly red, and I still produce saliva, but everything feels drier in my face than it used to. Plus, me being this dependent on caffeine es no bueno. I don’t seem to get serious headaches anymore — my brain’s few attempts to kick up a migraine since I got here have been feeble at best — but caffeine withdrawal used to be a trigger for them and I don’t want to find out the hard way if that’s still true. But anyway, I found an affordable way to do the weaning without investing in jars of instant for the withdrawal process. I will likely still do morning coffee after that, but just the three cups like I’m doing now, and with cinnamon. I love that shit.

Aunt Flo’s still trying to make up her literally bloody mind whether she’s going to drop in. Hope either she gets the fuck on with it later this week (after I get paid again, PLEASE, though I think I could manage with what’s in the account plus SpotMe if I had to) or goes the fuck away for another two or three months, because there will be a hot tub on premises for the meeting later this month and I’ll be fucked if I have to opt out. Yes, yes, I know what they say about hot tubs and diabetics. That’s people with neuropathy at risk of burns. I don’t have neuropathy, so fuck you. But I have rotten luck with tampons, even the super ones, so if Aunt Flo is harassing me that week then I’ll have to find something else to do when everyone’s in there. Knitting, probably. Why the hell not.

Speaking of which. I have been debating with myself for months on what to do with my remaining yarn. God — for years, I had both an impressive book collection AND an impressive yarn collection. Both all gone now. Handful of books left, my favorite yarns left, not a lot in either case. I need to make things from the yarn and get it gone. Probably will make them for sale. Mentioning this out loud on Facebook may have landed me some work making hats for a specific person, but we’ll see if she ever gets back to me about it. I’m not getting my hopes up. And this is one of many reasons I don’t normally open myself to commissions. People flake, even with the best of intentions. Sometimes they wait til you’re done to flake. That’s the absolute fucking worst. I got lucky once in that I was able to sell a requested pair of socks I knitted (thanks so fucking much, LaRay… fuck off) to a different person via Etsy when the original customer didn’t follow through. Won’t always be able to do that. Or, I dunno, I guess we’ll see.

But ANYWAY, so I’m finally knitting that damned llama yarn. Hats. Alpaca felts really easily, and llama wool is close enough to alpaca that I didn’t want to chance it as mittens or something. Hats involve less friction in the first place. I figure I can probably get about three hats out of my llama supply, and then I can go on to the alpaca. I have four colors of the alpaca, so I’m hoping to do some striping or some other kind of color change. I may not even use all the llama by itself because one of the alpaca colors is brown (the others are two shades of gray and a black), and I may add in a llama stripe to a brown alpaca hat or something. We’ll see.

Lots of brouhaha going on because they’re letting men compete in women’s sports in the Olympics this year. Worst of all, they allowed them into women’s boxing. I had some choice words about that on my Substack, and this is the most popular post I’ve published there yet. I should point out I’ve got about 115 subscribers right now and, last I looked, there are 57 likes on that post. I doubt everyone who liked the post is a subscriber, but since I put it up I’ve been getting daily emails about new free subscribers. So something is going on. I’m a little weirded out, but it’s pretty cool, too. I just wish I’d get that kind of engagement for other things I write. This is just where we are right now. People are sick of being lied to. It’s not even about being anti-gay. The concept of trans, at least as currently applied, is homophobic as hell and a lot of gay men and lesbians are pissed the fuck off about it, and lots of straight people are pissed off on their behalf as well. Lesbians being overrepresented in women’s sports, this is becoming twice as harmful to them. The “Pride” crowd does not give one single sweet shit. This will not end well.

I need to get on the ball with my two women-related projects. I’m dragging feet because I fear putting in effort only for it to go nowhere. Like everything else in my life. If anyone ever wonders why it seems like I don’t do anything, it’s because every time I do something it gets fucking ignored, UNLESS it is a negative or bad thing, and then that’s what I become known for. Fucking bullshit. I know this happens to women a lot, but there’s no fucking excuse. If Charles fucking Manson could get married in prison to a woman he never met outside of it, y’all can start noticing when I do good and/or useful things. I don’t need a prize or any fucking thing like that. I just need to not exist in a vacuum. It has really done a number on my mental health over the course of my life. My parents never should have built me up as The Smart Kid. No one gives two fucks whether a woman is smart. Ever. At best, they notice our work and fucking steal it. But usually, we just don’t exist.

But I should do it anyway. In case it turns out that THIS TIME I’m wrong.

Still pleased as hell that S referred readers to me. That was amazing. Once in a very great while a woman will call attention to whatever I’m doing but normally, dudes don’t bother. And you know what? I’m going to go thank him. I don’t think I did that explicitly enough and directly enough before. Time to fix it.