Heard from both Carrie and Doug today, so that was weird. Nothing going on with Dad, at least not in a bad way.
Doug sent me a random reel on Instagram. We chatted very briefly — like, two messages each. That was it. After weeks of nothing.
Carrie wanted me to give her my social security number and address because she is filling out an updated form for Dad’s life insurance. Dad’s been saying for years he wants me to have half and Doug to have half. Previously Carrie was supposed to distribute it but now, for some reason, they’re going for a direct payment.
The problem is that I am not stable. Oh sure, I got housed this year. That ends in January and I may or may not have another apartment by then. Whatever happens, I don’t know how often my address will change in the future. It seems less efficient to have a person oversee the disbursement of funds, but in my case it actually makes more sense because I don’t have to worry about losing the info I need to notify the life insurance carrier of change of address and, hey, someone from home might fucking look in every now and again. I mean what if I fucking died tomorrow and there wasn’t anyone left to pay my half to.
But here we are, and I’ve gotten this vibe off Carrie that she’d rather not have anything more to do with us brats anyway, and it’s really hard to explain because she’s been nothing but nice, but it’s just these little things in and around the edges of conversations and so on. One of those things Southern women do rather than confront the elephant in the room: go politely distant. It’s not like we keep up with one another regularly, anyway. I hate to say it, but… I can understand her having issues with Doug. He’s been borderline to actually horrid for literal decades. Me? I was the good kid of us two. Not an objectively good kid, maybe, but definitely the less-trainwrecky. No one wants to admit it for some reason, but it’s true. No one stopped to ponder whether I might have good reasons for going distant and dropping contact. No one gives a sweet shit. I’m just bad. The end.
So I think at this point I am just going to wash my hands of the whole thing. Doug can have all the money, or they can send my half to Thea and Sean, if they can even fucking find them. I won’t hold my breath. I doubt they’ll even try. My kids have mattered to that family even less than I have — and of course, they’ll blame me. They always do.
I’m not fucking forgetting none of them had a word to say the entire time I was homeless, including shelter time, either. I heard from Reba. A complete non-relative. Who I might add was also rejected by Dad’s family and always resented by Mom’s — the latter sort of understandable, I guess, but one can become so engrossed in despising the adults that one forgets to look after the kids. She showed them up. Probably another reason they hate her. I’m not idealizing her — there are reasons I’ve been distant from her too — but there it is. Face it.
Anyway, I don’t like even thinking about that shit. I was thinking about it pretty hard when he got into medical trouble in the past few months. Pondering what the hell I would do if I wound up with a life-insurance payout. And then I would stop myself short. What the fuck is wrong with you? I’d ask myself. He’s your father, not a fucking lottery ticket. But this is where things have wound up. You have these thoughts you’d rather not have. I’m going to stop giving myself reasons for having them. Nobody needs that shit when they’re already down low. Or any other time, but when you’re bottomed out there are already far too many other opportunities for losing your dignity.
Besides, if Doug gets it all, he still has a kid to raise and she isn’t even double-digits age yet. I’ve got nobody. I’ll never have anybody again. Put it where it’s needed, I say.
I’m not speaking to either of them directly about my decision. I see the pattern: we’re only going to bother with Dana when Dana’s daddy’s in distress. Nah. They’ll figure it out. The only other time I hear from them being when I say something they don’t like, I see how much I’m worth. They’ll be along eventually and figure it out. I couldn’t possibly care less.
This doesn’t mean I’ll never talk about the past, or share photos, or whatever. I’m weak in a lot of ways, but I’m not weak in that way. The past happened. It doesn’t help anything to pretend it didn’t. There were good times too. I’m glad they happened. I wish there’d been more of them. The end. Moving on now.
…
I’m not on LinkedIn anymore. Supposedly my profile will continue popping up in searches until it’s purged from the system. That site is full of pretentious fucking gits and I’m tired of holding space there. I’m thinking about dropping off of Classmates, too. Probably will. If people can’t figure out how to find me, they don’t want to. That’s their problem. What I’ll do with the other social-media things, I don’t know yet. I’m rapidly getting bored with the whole fucking mess. I’d rather work on my own shit, even on the internet. If people want to look at it, they will. If they’re fucking gits, they can “git” themselves someplace else. What a fucking waste of time.
There were a couple people I heard from on LinkedIn from my pre-internet days: one from high school, one from the Army. After that first flush of “oh hey, you’re here!” they both ghosted. Christine had good reason. See, she had really shitty timing in contacting me: I had just had my final falling-out with Craig, who fucked her when we were still together and I was in basic training. She made the mistake of being condescending to me when I made one final attempt at sorting shit out, I told her off, and that was it. John, well, John was always a flake. I’m surprised he even reached out. I expect I’ll never hear from him again. But I had a brief moment of “eh? Should I save that stuff somehow?” Nah. Doesn’t matter. Moving on now.
I’m doing a lot of that. It needed done.
…
I’m honestly not sure at this point how this month will go for rent even with the additional $250. But I had a good day today. Also a very well-traveled day; I crossed Alum Creek Lake.
Twice.
Admittedly, the second time was going back the way I had come. But still. Got a good look at that holiday light display they have on the South Section Line Road side of the lake (the west side), too. I kinda want to go. It’s a drive-through sort of thing.
Okay. Need sleep. zzzzz
(I’m pretending I wrote this before midnight. It’s actually 4am on Saturday now.)