I can’t say I’ve settled on any definite conclusion about my current situation; we’ve all seen I flit the fuck back and forth between one mindset and another and yes, I annoy myself with this shit, too. But I may be closer to, specifically, figuring out the Neighbor situation. I don’t KNOW for sure, but it feels like it.
So, I still don’t know what’s up with him and L. I’m not going to ask, and I’ve been here since late May and he hasn’t even hinted, and I’m certainly not going to ask her because if they are together and she even gets a whiff that I’m interested, I could be homeless in less than a week. So we are not going there. So it’s an impasse.
But I’m seeing behavior that, I’m sorry to say, reminds me too much of Matt and I got tired of that shit when he was doing it.
Specifically, the absent-mindedness thing.
I still think Neighbor is more kind a person than Matt ever was. When Matt decided to Do Nice Things, he was always after something. It rather seems to be more built into who Neighbor is as a person. But he’s also pretty severely absent-minded. I know he has a lot of stuff going on, but let’s say best-case scenario that he and L aren’t together and she’d be fine seeing him with someone. (Tall order. Highly unlikely. If you could see them together, you’d see what I mean, even without the PDA except for occasional hugs. And I’ve seen two of those since late May.) Even then, there needs to be a certain amount of focused attention to build a relationship. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it does have to be there.
Y’all, I can’t even get him to pay for the scutwork timely. And he did ask me to remind him. And I do remind him. And I’m lucky if he sees it within 24 hours. Or he’ll see me in person and go “I’ll send it when I get home” and then… crickets.
Okay?
It honestly doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want to pay. And he even came out and said that that was not the issue. It is just being absent-minded, he said. Okay, fine. But some part of me, the part that still isn’t okay after all the shit Matt and other people pulled, feels like I’m basically worthless if we can’t even get this done timely. It’s not a lot. For instance, I earned $60 from this most recent week. So I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around him “just” forgetting. And I also hate reminding people that they owe me money. I wouldn’t say it’s quite to the level of pet peeve but it does bother me a lot. Helluva spot to put me in. Thanks.
I could probably sort of live with it if one, I weren’t getting flashbacks to Matt’s bullshit and two, Neighbor ever consistently acted like he was interested in me as a person… okay, if L isn’t there distracting him, sure, he’ll start in with the questions and conversations. Sure. But if she’s there, forget it. Oh, if I initiate a conversation, he’s happy enough to chat… until his attention wanders. So. I don’t need to be the center of the universe. Never did. But goddamn it — and I’m always initiating this shit, too.
So where I’m going with this is probably just considering it a wash, continuing to be friendly with him but not hoping for anything else because it’s not happening. Ever. Literally, he could have a crush on me or something (I sound so fucking junior-high) and just be wired differently and not be the type to be demonstrative about it, maybe even hoping I make the first move. That’s great, but it’s not what I need right now. I’m tired of feeling like I have to beg for crumbs. My self-esteem has been trashed for literal decades. For fuck’s fucking sake already.
But there are still things I really like about him and I suppose I’ll look for those in another guy.
Not sure it’ll be S, but I suppose I’ll find out soon; it’s less than a week til he arrives. I expect he’ll be here this coming Thursday, since he told me he’d be here a day early. He’s been odd and distant, not that he was ever touchy-feely on Facebook but he’s gone extra-weird the past several weeks. Some of it’s no doubt getting ready to move back to the Western Hemisphere for however long he decides to stay this time. I also suspect people have been canceling him again. I’ll spare you the rant on that one. There have been a few hints here and there of Interest from him, but I’m not sure I can trust them, and very likely he’s still hung up on his ex too. That’s likely going to be a dead end.
You know what, though? It doesn’t have to be either of them. It shouldn’t be anyone, honestly. I’m too poor. It’s too much of a risk. Besides. We all know who I’d rather jump if I ever got a chance to do it. Sure, he’s occupied now. Situations change. Maybe I should be taking all this free time that my poverty and his “situation” are giving me and actually position myself to have half a shot at him later. Luck tends to be more favorable when you’re ready for it.
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Got the package from Carrie the other day. Wasn’t weird like I’d been afraid it would be. Honestly not sure why she sent any of it, but did get my raincoat back and its liner, so I’m basically ready for fall, anyway. Got a test run with experiencing that weather, if from indoors, today because it rained all fucking day. I am going to need to figure out water-resistant shoes. My current ones certainly fucking are not. Sigh.
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Gut pain for the first time in quite a while. Had a sudden turn for the better today and I think maybe tomorrow I’ll be fully on the other side of it. Whew.
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Stupid fucking period. I had to delay the scutwork this past week by a day because no way could I deal with an accident if it came down to that. As it is, rain or no, I have to go to Walmart tomorrow to restock supplies. Nothing for it. (Another reason I was somewhat miffed at Neighbor today.) I’m so irritated. Can’t this just END already? I’m fucking old enough.
Oh well. I see we’re forcing myself to write anything at all at this point… again. I need to sleep. ‘Later.