Okay, actually, I don’t know if they’re fucking.
One thing I sort of overlooked is the utter lack of PDA. The closest it got was early on after I first got here when L and I first went over to Neighbor’s place and were about to leave, and I saw her scritch his back and then go to hug him. I don’t think I saw the hug; I think I turned away to give them some privacy. But I didn’t see any smooching, not then or later. It could have happened after I turned my head, but there have been plenty of other times I would have expected it and then it didn’t happen. Could be they sneak them when they know for a fact I’m not looking: for instance, when I’ve just walked out of the room. I have no idea. But I’d have seen something, because they don’t read my mind and people change trajectories and go back the other direction all the time. Something. But… nada.
Sorry but if I’m gettin freaky with a guy on the regular, I’m fucking kissing him now and again at other times, too. If he’s not into kissing, I’m not into him. It just is what it is. But they could be completely different people insofar as preferences, I suppose. It happens.
Another possibility is that with their respective chronic illnesses and injuries, it may just be too painful at this point. Though there was that bit a few weeks ago where he talked about his testosterone shots and made it pretty clear he wants a sex life. Unless they have some weird open-relationship arrangement, then, it’s unlikely they’re platonic if they’re emotionally involved.
So I don’t know what I think. I just know what it looks like.
Additional note: If they do have some weird open-relationship arrangement, I will not be participating, should the question arise. (It wouldn’t, but I’ve been surprised before so I’m covering all bases here.) I don’t fucking share anymore. Literally.
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It may wind up being a moot point.
I’ve been wondering about Out-Of-Town Guy for a while. He has this thing of sometimes leaving likes or “care” reacts when I post my better old pics on Facebook. As in pics of myself. He did it again yesterday, in fact, when I posted an old prom photo of 18yo me in my dress. Then a female FB friend said, “You look lovely,” and Outie liked that comment. Usually when we like a comment in that context it is because we agree with it. Is this dude stealth-telling me I’m pretty? Sure looks like it. He’s also a very nervous fellow, and he’s been through a lot of shit so he may be really leery of coming out and explicitly saying so.
“Outie” is a stupid nickname. I’ll just call him S and pray he never visits here. He’s on an entirely other continent and it’d be pretty obvious if he did.
S, of course, is also the guy who shared one of my Substack articles and recommended his Facebook friends read it. I’m still gobsmacked over that. So that’s another little nudge, I think; I’m nobody, so why would he do that?
(I am not elevating a nobody guy to be better than me just because he’s a guy. This guy is a known politician in his home country and the nephew of an athlete famous in his home country. He’s been political and in politics his whole adult life. And then he goes and points people to me. I did NOT see that coming.)
Then there was the time I posted about reasons I didn’t think I’d do very well dating, and he commented advising me to be careful because everything I’d said about myself sounded awfully like an old-fashioned personals ad and that he found it appealing. I replied with, “You are too fond of peppers. It would never work.” He thought that was funny.
I dunno, I could still be misreading the whole thing. But unless something goes wrong (avert), I’m meeting him in person next month so I guess we will just have to wait and see.
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There’s still an outside chance that someone’s just taking their time to figure out who the hell I am but is at least nominally interested. I have no idea. I have been alone for a long, long time and I get being scared of people, but I also feel it’s unfair to me to expect me to bear the brunt of that and without any explanation, either. At this point it’s going to come down to who’s willing to be braver. I need more of that. My life was destroyed by cowardice, both mine and that of others.
I’m not ready to be with anyone just yet, anyway. I’m still far too vulnerable.
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Lots of craziness around here — I say craziness, really it’s just L being busier in the kitchen than normal — getting ready for a thing this weekend. It’s very hush; even now, and I’ve bought a ticket, I still don’t know where it is. I am not likely to talk much about it until I’ve already been to it. Too many assholes ruining things for women.
Suspect other planning is already going on for the thing next month. Although Neighbor coming over here, getting on voice chat with or without L, and doing a lot of talking and so on is fairly normal at least a few days a week.
I wish I could just hang out with people like normal folks sometimes. Seems like either they’re doing political shit, doing organizational shit, or sticking noses in computers. Somehow in the midst of that they manage to interact with other people. I haven’t figured out how that all works yet. And, especially after the psycho roommate I heard about on Saturday, it may be a while. It could be months. It could be longer. I really don’t know. L still seems at least somewhat okay with me, so that’s something.
The dogs like me. Parker got jealous when I petted the terror twins (Stevie and Spot) earlier today. I always have them to hang out with if hoomins have no use for me. So nyeh.