I don’t feel like filling in individual days, so I will just recap.
The first and only shift I did at Employer went okay, except I was really tired at the end of the shift and still had to drive home, and then things got Interesting. If all I’d had to do was feed the dogs and then occasionally let someone in or out, it might have been all right, but they also barked at random times and when they’re in the house, it amplifies the noise, AND, even when things were quiet, my brain wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Neighbor came over at 4:30 to “set eyes on the dogs,” as he put it, and remarked that I looked exhausted and was not sparkly like usual. I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly. He repeated himself. I had heard him correctly. I laughed. “Sparkly? Okay…” I had half a moment where I wondered if there was something more to him picking that descriptor, because no one ever fucking calls me sparkly. I hope I didn’t put him off laughing.
By evening I was done. I knew I had to prioritize the dogs and there was just no fucking question. And that’s fine. I’m really sad about the money I have to miss out on, but practically speaking I could not have continued on there anyway even if doing the four weeks with the tag changes did lead to a permanent job. It would have been either a day shift which would have gotten in the way of feeding the dogs, or it would have been an evening shift which would have cut into my sleep. So it was stupid of me to take the job to start with; as it was, when I took it and then went through orientation, I didn’t know L was going to go out of town. I would have kept going had she not done that. But this is where we are. The dogs are how I’m housed, and I’m not a heartless monster, so the dogs come first. The end.
I didn’t need any meat so it was okay that I missed meat-sorting night. I got ten items to do this week for the scutwork which meant $100, or less if I had asked for food, but I didn’t need to. So between being able to get half my pay in advance for that one night of work, getting the rest of my paycheck from orientation, and the $100, I was able to catch up a few things. I still have the other half of that paycheck coming next pay period, too, so that’s nice. I got to see Neighbor walking his dogs the last day I was there finishing the scutwork. The dogs were more outgoing than he was.
Legend had it he was supposed to come by every afternoon to check on L’s dogs. He only came over twice, the time he said the thing about “sparkly” and another time to give Mist a shot. I haven’t seen him otherwise except when at his place, and I haven’t heard from him. I only know he’s supposed to go pick L up from the airport tomorrow because I asked him. He was not forthcoming with the information.
It’s weird because we had a couple moments over Facebook where it was like we connected. I live for those little moments and it is really pathetic. He’s GOT to be with L. Hell, I probably won’t see L until like 6pm or later tomorrow even though she gets to the airport at 3-something in the afternoon because like as not she’ll go back to Neighbor’s place and boink him. I wasn’t born yesterday. But there’s still this nagging feeling that I am missing something and, if he likes me, him avoiding me would be textbook introvert, and he is a BIG one. God, I wish someone would just fucking ask him. Someone not at risk of homelessness for accidentally spooking his girlfriend. I just want to know. Get me the fuck out of this fix already. If he’s single, I don’t want to pass him up; he is one beautiful, compassionate man. Polar opposite of most guys I’ve been with AND polar opposite of my dad. Please fucking God. For fucking once.
But… I’ll have to pass him up. Even if he’s single and interested, if he’s just going to be a coward about it then there’s nothing I can do. He’s the one with nothing to lose if he speaks up. He knows by now whether L has a thing for him or not. I’m the one flying blind.
“What about Stuart?”
Stuart is a self-centered piece of shit who can’t stand to be called out on his bad behavior. I have given him at least three fucking opportunities to talk himself back down from the ledge and meet me halfway and he won’t fucking do it. Message fucking received. I’m done. And what makes me really angry is that he’d have been an escape. Even if I stayed here, I could set my brain at “I am with this guy” and whatever went on with Neighbor wouldn’t matter. It’s not even using, because I really did like Stuart. I was perfectly willing to pick him over Neighbor with not knowing what was going on with the latter.
But of course, as ever, I overestimate my appeal to men.
It just really hurts. I know there are lots of ways to be happy, but I’d like to find a particular type of happiness in this particular sphere of life, and I’m tired of constantly being rejected or even just having the threat of it hanging over my head. It’s like… Am I even here? Will I ever matter? To anyone?
What a joke: Carrie messaged me this morning saying my dad wanted my number again. I don’t want some piece of shit who has put me at risk of homelessness fucking twice now trying to play like I matter to him; we both know I don’t. If he doesn’t know how to treat the people who matter to him then he should just shut the fuck up and leave me alone forever. Forever would be fine with me. It’s always the men who are bad for me who want the time of day from me whether that’s family or a romantic relationship. I’m not fucking sending him my number. I don’t fucking care anymore.
Doug also called… day before yesterday? Not sure. Some shit about a promotion. He might be an out from here if it gets unbearable. I am not going to count on it though. He’s also still having drama with my niece’s mother. I can’t be arsed to summarize. I will later if this comes up again and I feel like talking about it.
Today I did some extra cleaning (L’s gonna shit when she sees the inside of the fridge) and will TRY to mop tomorrow but, at minimum, will get the bathroom clean. I have to be up early anyway because of Neighbor picking up Mist at 10:30, something else no one told me was going to happen.
I’m looking forward to being off the hook about the dogs for a while so I can maybe start getting myself sorted. I think my best chance is honestly going to be getting the transcript proofreading course finished. If I can do that and then pick up work, I might have a chance.
Will I? Let’s find out!