L had an eye appointment today. No idea what’s going on there, only that it’s some kind of “emergency” — far as I could ever tell, she sees just fine. I dunno. I’ll likely never get the details on that and I suppose it’s none of my business anyway. (I think I got too used to Matt oversharing about his health problems.) Point is, medical resources in Crescent City are pitiful and she had to go out of town to get this care. And since it’s eyes, Neighbor had to be designated driver. And since they had to go out of town, it was left to me to give the dogs their second feeding at noon. Cool, so I’m paying for the privilege of babysitting dogs now. And I can barely come up with the money.
Went over to Neighbor’s and he hadn’t done any of the three remaining scutwork items yet. I should have just done them all, but I can’t afford to piss him off right now. So I did one and left him the other two. If the universe loves me even a little, he’ll only do one and leave me the final one. I think we’re seeing some pretty good evidence that not only does the universe not love me, it’s a fucking sadist too. At least with this I’ll have forty dollars this week, can give L thirty and get incidentals with the other ten. It’s not a lot but it’s something.
It’s funny that he asked me Tuesday night if I was buying food with my money. I told him no, I was getting things like coffee with it to sort of round things out. Maybe I should have mentioned my fucking phone bill and L’s request for half utilities because I’m pretty sure he was planning to pull the rug out from under me then and just wanted to check and make sure it was okay first.
It boggles my mind that he doesn’t just GO TAKE A FUCKING WALK EVERY DAY. Why won’t he just do that. It’s more exercise and it’s more OFTEN because if this is how he’s going to get exercise then AT BEST he might do it three days a week, and it won’t be three days most weeks, especially if (IF) he lets me keep doing some of it. (I don’t trust this possibility at all. I’m gonna get fucked hard soon, and not even the way I’d wanted to.) I have a theory, though. I think he misses doing this specific thing. If I explained why, you’d get it, but I can’t explain why without running into the reason I don’t describe what it is in the first place. It’s one of those things that shouldn’t be a problem but for some people, would be, and it’s not my story to tell. I may not have the same reservations about it once I am not living here anymore, especially if this sort of nonsense continues to happen, but for now I have to play nice because too much is at risk. I would feel more ownership of it and not want to tell if people were playing fair. That’s not what’s happening.
I know what some people will think. “They’re letting you live there for free!” Have you seen the going rates for dog boarding? Especially of four large dogs? For a week? I know I still come out ahead even with that, getting more than L would have paid for boarding but goddamn it, this situation was presented to me in a specific way and has been like this for everyone else who’s done it and NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, it’s a fucking problem. It is ALWAYS a problem with me. It’s not just L and Neighbor. It’s everyfuckingone. It would be one thing if I were playing loud music at 2am or breaking windows or doing drugs or falling-down drunk (or drunk at all) and belligerent or bringing strange men home and then fucking them loudly and then letting them pay me afterwards. I’m not doing any of that. Why do people always end up wanting me dead when I’ve literally done nothing to them? Because that’s what it is. None of you want to face that, but if I have to, you can certainly look at it for five fucking seconds. Casting me out to fend for myself is wanting me dead. No one can go through life alone. No, not you either. Try again, Rambo. People do help you.
I need to quit crying about it though. I’ve made some dumb choices that hurt me, too. It isn’t just other people. Hell, just keeping that job at Quantum last year would have landed me in a better situation than the one I’m in now. I could have cashed in my retirement plan to fix my fucking car if need be. Well, that ship has fucking sailed. Here I am at everyone else’s fucking mercy again… and they have no mercy. And I will never understand why.
It particularly hurts coming from him.
He sent out another rough draft of his current book to try to entice more paying subscribers to his Substack. I’m a free subscriber, so I got the email. So here’s something interesting. I know his mother passed away five years ago. The passage he shared, which is from a book about her death, takes place when her decline began. So let’s say that was maybe six years ago. Maybe sooner. I think she had pancreatic cancer and that bastard works fast. But let’s say six years. Well, I’m pretty sure he met L in 2010. And he mentions a woman named Amanda who had just “left” and therefore he had moved back into his mother’s house. There are two possibilities here. Amanda could have been his mother’s caretaker. But Amanda could also have been a live-in girlfriend. If the latter, there’s a strong possibility he is not actually with L.
And that’s just the sort of person I am that I’ll gloss over a man’s mother dying and use that to try to figure out if he’s single. Jesus Christ, I’m an asshole.
But it doesn’t operate on a switch and I can’t turn it off. The bulb will burn out given enough time and distance, I suppose, and then there’ll be nothing to change it out for, and then I’ll feel better. I don’t know when that will be. Hope it’s an incandescent. I’m sick of this shit.
I just don’t want to feel anything anymore. Life would be so much easier.
[edit]
Neighbor messaged me a little while ago to say that he thinks he might have some other paid work for me to do. Turns out we weren’t done with the cleanup around the outside of his house from the mess Mack left from some work Mack did for him. So that’s one thing but maybe there’s something else. I am trying not to get too attached to any outcomes (shit, he still hasn’t paid me for this week), but I said okay, whatever works for you.
L actually messaged me when she got back from her appointment to tell me about what they found, seemed pretty friendly, so part of me wonders whether she had a chat with him about the situation.
Had a bit of (friendly) back-and-forth with C who says he’s calling his lawyer tomorrow to try and get a timeline on things. I refuse to get my hopes up. All I know is that if this works out it’ll have me set for a bit. I just have to remember real hard this time that I can’t count on any more money so I have to make that last as long as I possibly can. Though if the whole thing happens, I am definitely getting hiking boots and new pants and a fucking bicycle. I have to do that much. I know $1000 in reserve will be enough to travel on if I have to, at least.
Tentative plan by the end of this weekend: figure out the midterm annotation test for the proofreader course and then just do it. I get two free attempts which means I get one retry, and then after that they’re $50 apiece. I can take as much time as I want, though. Sooooo… We’ll see.