I’m writing this after 1am on the 9th but unless you want to hear about me going pee and washing some dishes, let’s pretend I wrote this on the 8th. Sound good? I think so too.
Okay. Meat Night #1 went well; Meat Night #2 went well. Five items for scutwork, so $50 this week. Phone’s paid for the month so I won’t go so far as to say what I’ve got’s all gravy, but I’m a little better off than I was. Food supply solid for now. I even got maple-flavored breakfast sausage. It is quite tasty.
Lots more bear activity. So far, they’re just scared of me. So far, I handle the dogs okay if bears are out when I walk them, which normally I do after the meat-sorting, except last week when everything started late. I must admit I really enjoy seeing the gigantic forest floof doggos. I get why they’re classified as caniform.
(Black bears, not grizzly. I’d be more afraid if we were dealing with grizzlies.)
(And black bears are not THAT gigantic, except the older males.)
Weekly scutwork finished today. Neighbor and I went to the dump for the weekly trash run. I actually asked him this time, as he was about to get in the truck on the driver’s side, whether he wanted me to drive this time and he said, “nah…” I’m a little confused about that. I will not at all complain if he decides we’ll keep doing this together so as to have a bit of social hour; today he regaled me with questions about my time in the Army. He’s like that. Honestly I’ve never known a dude that curious about me, and it isn’t just “tell me about yourself,” which always was a lazy cop-out. It’s specific questions. A gal could let it go to her head, if I didn’t already know this is a thing with him. But… I feel like, if you pay attention to the questions someone asks you about yourself, sometimes you learn something new about them. Or they’ll just volunteer the information. Turns out he considered joining the Navy for their nuclear officer program (submarines, from what he said), but in the end he didn’t think he’d be able to adjust to the lifestyle, and then he ended up with Crohn’s in his late twenties anyway.
(He asked me whether he’d have had a shot at decent care had he been in the Navy when it happened. I explained about VA care versus military care and pointed out that as in the civilian world, quality of care varies widely depending on where you are. Plus, when he was twenty-seven, most people had never heard of Crohn’s. As it was, the first civilian facility he went to was not doing right by him, and his mother yanked him out and took him to a university hospital which was much better. And so he is here with us today, and we all say thankya.)
He probably better watch it though because if I get much braver, I may start asking him questions.
Don’t worry. I won’t be creepy about it.
I still feel suspicious something is developing there. I probably shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t think “shoulds” really enter into it. I’m not going to push or even ask. I’m just going to experience and observe. If this is just him being kinder and more curious than the average bear and he’s like that with everyone, great. If this is just him seeing if he can make a new friend, fabulous. If it’s something more than that, then he’s going to have to say so; that will be one question I don’t ask. Everyone who ever told me I moved too fast into relationships can kiss my ass. We’ll ignore the fact I probably don’t have another thirty years on this earth and have wasted too much time already. I don’t feel like rushing it this time. Because I always get it wrong. At least if I somehow still get it wrong this time, it won’t be my fault. Or at least not for that specific reason.
That assumes, of course, that something doesn’t kick over with S. I don’t want to be like that but goddamn it, it’s like I said before: it may come down to who’s braver. Or who actually feels some particular way, which Neighbor very likely doesn’t. Well, I’ve got less than three weeks ’til we start maybe seeing answers to that question. I am not even going to try to predict the outcome.
S did tell me I was lovely (or, rather, an old pic of me was lovely), though, by liking the comment where someone else said it. I wonder if he knows I noticed…